The other day I was talking to someone who is probably one of those few important people in my life who have got a very special place in my heart just because of their incredibly beautiful personality. Anyhow, I had to cut the line and call back due to some out reasons. I was about to redial when I heard the Maghrib azan and I thought I should better wait till the azan is over. Meanwhile I got a text message by that person saying “Let's wait for the azan first!”. When I called back soon after the azan was over, my call has been disconnected on the first ring by that person. I got the call after a few minutes, & the person goes like “Sorry, I was praying.”
I forgot to mention above that I’m actually a huge fan of the person being discussed above, so much so that I try to be exactly like this person and it’s my utmost desire by far to adopt every single positive trait of this adorable creature. Whilst having the wish to be like this saint I try to copy some of the acts being performed or done by this compassionate & intuitive being around me. When I heard; “Sorry I was praying”, my sense of imitating arouse somewhere deep inside and I thought that I should start praying as well. The other day I started doing it! I offered my Fajr salah and successfully took it to zuhar, asar & maghrib (not to forget those were only the farz I’d offered). While I was doing it, I keep telling that person unintentionally by the way, that I’m praying. As If I’ve been successfully achieving a great obligation!
What happened next? I didn’t get time to offer Isha. And then my sense of imitating slept for not waking up for an unknown time limit. I stopped praying. I didn’t get time for my prayers the very next day and until now I haven’t offered a single prayer. But then I thought what exactly is this? This is exactly what you called pretentiousness and hypocrisy? Then Iblees came over and I found myself giving justifications to my own self; Maybe it’s not what they called hypocrisy! Because I heard someone saying that your mouth starts watering as soon as you hear the name of chocolate lava cake, then how come it is possible that you keep saying Allah Allah Allah and your heart won’t melt. So perhaps I was practicing it that either my prayers are without devotion and sincerity but there is at least a desire to get them straight and up to the mark!
It wasn't enough to please myself. I started evaluating myself & then I found that it’s not me. I’m a hypocrite. This is not the real version of me and I’ve lost myself being someone who I’m not! I started looking inside to see where the real one is sitting but all I could see was the ugly face of a hypocrite who have been trying to be a colorful balloon to please people but it contains nothing but the air inside. I realized that I’ve been doing it for so long now to get attention. I’m pretending. God! I try to be nice when I don’t want to. I try to sound good suppressing the paindu side of me. I try to make sense when all I can talk about is the nonsense stuff. And I try to talk about the one who knows it all when I don’t even feel like fulfilling the basic rules/duties/obligations to prove my love for Him.
That very moment I talked to a friend of mine who is another beautiful person. I asked her, can we be the one which we pretend to be? She laughed and said this life is based on pretense, what else we could do? Then she said; Haven't you had enough of pretentiousness? Of people in love with their own voices? Of people gaining knowledge to convince others of their intellect and to their viewpoint? Of poverty of the minds and the spirit? Of curiosity that has begun to rot? Of people criticizing everything else other than themselves? Of people never peeling off their masks, to see the mixture of ugliness and beauty that is stitched inside them? Anyway, the concept running around inside for this was, basically nothing to start off with. Then a face appeared, and a necklace of tears, and unnecessary complexity began to form in the surroundings.
I got my answers. She made it all clear. I asked myself what are you afraid of? Rejection? Your greatest fear? So what if people will start rejecting you for who you really are? What if people will leave you for you’re a paindu and miss-fit? What’s the big deal? He will be there—Always! He has been there all those times when you heard the azan and didn’t bow down. He has borne you beside the fact that you’re never thankful for what He’s blessed you with. At that moment I decided to put the mask off and start being myself. This indeed was a difficult task for me. But I did it successfully. Now, I can at least say that I’m not a hypocrite for the time being because I’m doing things which I want to. I’m out of the pretense. I just burst that colorful balloon and get myself free from all those shallow ways that leads me towards the approval of others. Now all I want is the approval of my own self and the one who has been there for me. I don’t want to awe people anymore. I want to be ME and in this journey to be my own self I’m desperately waiting for that voice that will come from inside to bow down before the one whose approval is the eventual goal for each one of us!