Saturday, 27 December 2014

A Chussarh Ultimate Monkey

Before this year leaves me with some unforgettable tales, I want to thank this one person for a couple of reasons. Also, since I’ll be busy giving exams when we will be having yet another year of thiz strong bond mashaAllah, hence consider it the gift for monkey-anniversary. :’)

As long as I remember, I recall and I know I have abandoned two persons in my life. Abandoned is not the right word I’ve actually been dishonest. One is my mother and the other one is this person. Both of these times I’ve done something which if somebody has done to me I would have never forgiven that somebody. But fortunately, maaa tou maaa hoti hai laikin is spiritual father ney bhi isky sath kiye jany waly ‘gunnnah’ ko maaf diya although he has never stopped taunting me for that but I forgive him for he is such a monkey.

He is the man in my life who has taught me how a JAaVVaaaN mard & aurat can be two ‘non-civilized’- crazy-abnormal and closest friends without having any feeshy feelings for each other. (since I know I’m khoobsorat tareen aurat, tou I doubt you feel for me so very much laikin meri taraf se NAAA hai bhai) *You cannot shoot me for this before knowing my see ess result :’D
Jokes apart, from uncountable conversations this is one line which I can never forget; ‘I know the difference between behan & bitch, I can flirt with every girl around but not you, never!’
This says it all and he has proved, NEVER by his words, but by actions, the respect he holds for me.  I cannot begin to thank him for that.

We are not like the love birds not even the best friends never been like bhai behan but this is the monkey bond that we have been sharing for quite some time now. Distance, time, disputes, space, silence, notheeng has affected it, mashaAllah.

I never knew years back kay a chussarh like you would turn out to be such a monkey friend. Either it be writing me the trial article & finding me a job or writing me the resignation letter afterwards. It’s about helping me with my assignments or with my social activities- Either, it was listening to the shakuntala and lcwu stories or making me a true Insafian (yes, he is the man behind my love for Khan sb). Either it’s listening to my bakwass and ronay when everybody else would seem tired of them or just giving me a shut up call when I show oversensitivity and emotions over trivial matters. Either, it’s understanding the harassment issues and coming up with fatherly advices or abusing the tweeps to defend me. There is so much that I cannot mention here and I simply don’t want to (nazar lg jani, aweeen.)

I peeeyaaaar you in a zillion, billion, million ways that you still have to discover and you have got such a short life for that, and oh well I own you in a trillion ways and you know that very well. I peeeyaaaar you way too much for hating the people I hate and understanding the fact kay you will never marry Islamabad ki larki :D  Yes, yes yes you should thank me for I also owe you a gazillion hookups with a gazillion super cool kareena like babies including shamoooo who are going to make your life worth living (in your dreams, obviously).

Despite of having one million one thousand and twenty two fights you have never given up on me. All credit goes to you. You know how to deal with my wehshi state, you are too good at it now :D *cracks me up :D

Chussarh you’re an amazing person just the way you are, never change! (this is for the first time im telling you, over honey ki zaroorat nahe.)
Since uncle aunty are there now, so I am looking forward to see my ‘baji’ sitting by your side sooner than soon, get your ass back to the country foraaaan after that, so like I said earlier nikkah kay laduu sath khayeen gey.

Tery baachon ko bathroom mei band ker kay Draney kay mery khuwab tu jaldi porey kery ga I trust you on theez and baji ko tery khilaf bharkany ki meri sazissssh Hamesha kamyab rahy gi you can trust me on this one.
Can’t wait to see you and tell you for 99th time that how bad it feels to be hated by him. I know you will explain him that how bad I feel to be hated by him, Pakistaaaan aur meri ‘self-created problems’ pukarteeeeeeeey hain KABIRAAA jaldi se tu aja aja aja.ajaaa :’D

Since you know the answer for ‘Maha, why you do this!?’ touuuuuuuuuuuuu you should get me the suitcase of chocolates soon now because I’m a berozgaaaaar bechari aurat being hated by the love of my life! (no, you can’t shoot me this soon.) <3
Japhieeeeeeeee for knowing my ugliest sides and still choosing to stand beside me as my firm and chussarh support!

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Tattered bruised but admittedly oversensitive.

She sat by the window with weary eyes and slump body—a constant whisper of a prayer on her dry chapped lips. There is nothing around except the seemingly peaceful silence surrounding the atmosphere. To her, though, it is haunting. A musky smell fills the room, soaked with anxiety, fear and loss.

Tonight, the desperate attempt of a constant whisper of this one prayer is to escape the undying suffering, this everlasting insanity. This window and the alarming whistle of the security guard; who else is the witness of those explicitly confessing long ‘pauses’ making her fall deeper and deeper? She thought.
Despair is smiling at her; knowingly, she is feeling the frozen pain of continuous heartbreaks in her thawing bones. The misery is at ease, as it watches her suffer, for it knows that she is breaking down into teeny leeetle pieces.

Why don’t He listen to me—She asked herself. The one who says; Meri taraf aik qadam barhao mai das barhaon ga. It has been a while that she is crying in the darkness of the late nights; admittedly, nobody knows but Him. Why He has stopped listening to her; what else she is asking for other than His Mercy? A teardrop rolled down for she thought that she has disappointed her creator as well just like His creatures.

Everyone and everything was deceiving & she thought she could change them—Every time. Another teardrop reminded her about all her hardwork, her prayers and her expectations—all failed to nothing and yet she is blaming herself on every possible option.

It’s not about getting attached to people and losing them eventually it’s about the emptiness, the hollowness the loses left behind. It’s never about a person it’s about all those insane feelings that every organ of her body celebrates. How could a person, a woman, silently be devoted to another human without an iota of fear? She’s found herself continually asking questions.
Quintessentially, women of today’s world whine brusquely and get over the qualm after a short while then why not her? Why she’s holding on to the sheer silences. Besides a lot of ransacking inside her, she is na├»ve enough to find the answers.
She thought, she has nothing to lose now everything is gone. She realized the minor part of the peace left has also been taken away. Much to the charging to her, she never lost it completely. Every time, she felt herself worthless and empty handed, she lose the peace of mind massively.

How could she tell them what has happened to her? She has turned into something that she never was and still she is unable to replace it. Every word, every confession, every act has failed to make them realize that she just wanted to be understood—nothing less nothing more.
She tried getting back to the heap of books she has to go through. She tried turning into a bookworm. All her attempts seem futile.

..And then when all her attempts to get out of the threshold of insanity disappointed her, she looked up high in the skies; breaking down brick by brick unable to hold still now. She asked Him desperately yet secretly; nobody understands, nobody can see the fear behind her glassy eyes. No one notices the insecurities and complexes that break on her face in the form of sweat but it’s Him. He listens to her silence screaming. He knows what pain she is in and therefore she asked him; Give me a hug of MERCY, take it away..Please..MERCY!   

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Silence Speaks.

Why did you take so long..?
“For what?”- He asked.

…umm for doing exactly what you are doing now.
(He felt, as if her lips have stretched a bit, maybe she was trying to smile with the sparkle in her eyes.)

Looking into her eyes, he asked;  “And what am I doing right now?”
You are touching my soul!

Am I?  He whispered.
She placed her head on his shoulder realizing that she is giving up on all the controls she’ve been holding for so long now because her claim to be a strong indifferent creature seems to be a fantasy, when, in fact she was nothing but a fragile woman.

Closing his eyes, as he runs his fingers through his hair he knew that he’s going to save her; “There is no reason to be surprised, that’s the way it is supposed to be and that’s what all mattered, hmm?”

And they look outside the window, it was raining!

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Six-am Confessions

Do you know what kills you?—Confessions done at 6:00 am! When you cognize that it will never be the same, When you're mindful of the fact that you're turning over everything you hold either it be yourself, your so called dignity or that seat you entertain in a person's life and yet you are expiring to break up eventually.
You dare to say it all, you try your level best making all those confessions you have been carrying on for so long and they make you feel that you’ve failed to explain them the way this all has been eating you up. It kills you!

You're not killed by knives or the bullet shots, you're shot down by feelings, you're being killed by the words that comes out after the sheer silence. You're killed by pouring it all out and left with nothing to say. It kills you when the one who used to protect you walks away knowing that you're bare handed unable to protect yourself. You're killed by replacements. You are killed when you let the charm evaporate. You are killed when you are helpless. You are defeated by your own self when you apply everything you own to make them realize what you've been through but still passed on alone with ultimate melancholy.

What happens next? You lie down and see them standing everywhere in your life and you know that you stand nowhere in their life.. and then you begin losing your breaths when the individual you know becomes the person you used to know. You are being killed when you have to live with the invisible wounds-

I tell you, bullets don't kill you, it's the 6:00 am confessions.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Moving on with life...

They asked how long is forever? And the answer came; until they don’t find a replacement. Uh! People leave somehow. They HAVE to. Some get sick of you, and others just don't feel like you're worth it anymore. It does not matter if you’re unable to decide either those or you're the ‘too-much –to-handle’ material.
Honestly, it’s not only you, nobody likes feeling like an annoyance, a burden, or worse, an obligation that people have to be responsible for. It hurts and it really sucks having to scream out the things you've been keeping in yourself and yet you just can’t take them out. The hollowness in your heart, the tangled mess in your mind, the aching of your soul, the four am loneliness and what not, there is too much to explain but you can’t.

Therefore, when you’ve found your mind always been in a precarious state, when you start admitting the fact that nobody is strong enough to hold you for so long, when the feeling of melancholy takes over you, this is about the time when you’ve to put everything aside and take a deep breath to admit the harsh realities. You seriously have to stop hoping for anything because it's plain stupid as it will be going to disappoint you eventually. The fear of hiding in your "cozy" shell and as the phrase goes "build walls around you" convince you to find yourself and that lost trust once again. You’ve to start living before you go to a stage where you are beyond redemption. You’ve to get in friends with the creature inside you who’s tired of deceiving, lies and the inside battles. You’ve to make your friend sleep. You just have to!

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Let's Sleep Tonight

Heartbreaks can make you write a poem;

Come let us go

come let’s go beyond all these things tonight
Nobody hears
Nobody cares
Oh dear! Nobody hears all these broken dreams in your eyes
nobody cares to see them
Priorities matter;
Replacements occur;
Dreams get shattered.
Come let’s go beyond these broken dreams tonight
Come let’s go beyond these thoughts
Nobody knows the void
Nobody knows the hollowness 
Come let’s forget it tonight
Come let’s erase these scars
Come, my dear, let’s remove all these spots
So what if the shadow is dark?
Don’t get afraid of your scars.
Come let’s hug the shadow tonight
Come let’s go beyond the dreams tonight
 let us sleep tonight.
let us sleep tonight.

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Sometimes you just need to lay on the floor and do nothing for three years.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Replacements~Salt to our wounds.

Since my birth I’ve been living with these small emotional impulses which are at times quite weird. People around me on the other hand barely even recognize these little impulses as emotions, but to be honest that is what they are. One of these tiny emotions, the feeling of being attached leading towards twinges of attraction and then petty annoyance, is quite witty even to my own self.
Sometimes when you suppress your emotions, it explodes your face, making you fragile, that is when I want to ask, ITNI KOJI HORAE HO KISI SE HATE HOGAYA HAI KYA? #JustSomePakistaniAds

But what happens when you keep telling exactly what you are feeling? Once you're done telling that you'll be there always because they've won it all you're going to get is a replacement. It happens so fast. In a spur of a moment, best friends become strangers.

And it just happened. This isn’t something you can wrap, throw away in the garbage, wear your slippers and walk over it. This is not even bilawal’s urdu that you laugh over it and say ‘ignorance is a bliss’. as much as your existence. Why do they play on broken strings when all they are going to do is to leave you with your insecurities and questions? Why charm gets evaporated? Why words lost their meanings? Why you lost the interest? WHAT EXACTLY DID HAPPEN? Nobody can answer that, but the one who knows it.
Till when these mood swings, sensitivity and immaturity will not get a kind protection. They say be original, get real, and then why being real always take them away. Why pretense and hypocrisy wins?

I really have not learned anything, have I?

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Dear Men act like a MAN!

And Then #SunandaPushkar!! 

This is exactly what I've heard in a 9 p.m news bulletin and it just remind me how the 9 p.m news bulletin used to be on #Ptv back in time. Irony is that’s what our society is experiencing and living in. If God has made you a human being and a #MAN then act like one because munh tou dawgies bhi martey hain either it be for #bitches or for #bones. We must self evaluate our-self because no one else is more sincere & truthful to us than our own self, obviously after our creator. No one else would better tell us that where we went wrong.
There are people who, if you try to approach them with concerns, throw such a tantrum that you drop the subject. And then silence ensues. Although I’ve tried to never remain silent when its most needed still I know that silence is the best policy at times. I’ve been with people who made me feel like the luckiest girl and then they ignored/stayed silent for no apparent reasons as if I didn’t even exist. These people appeared to me some of the cruelest most hurtful people in my world. I’ve lost my originality in finding the reasons for facing such ignorant behaviors.I do not understand why people blame creatures like me for being oversensitive, emotional and sentimental. I mean what’s wrong in it? I’ve spent my life apologizing for being an emotional freak till date. To be honest it is very stressful to be constantly at war with certain parts of your life. Telling yourself again and again that you got a raw deal because the other person does not love/demand you the way you want to be loved and needed. But now I think its just about the time when I should better stop this practice and just try to be ‘me’—no matter if I’m the most messed-up creature alive on planet earth!
Insecurities, passiveness and jealousy for a person who has a special place in your life is quite natural and there is nothing wrong in it, only if it’s within limits of normality. Being a woman I know sometimes all we need is to be needed. All we want is someone to be around and sometimes all a woman wants is to own someone. Way too much to ask for? I guess it is. But it’s not when you’re in a relationship ~When you have your wife at home waiting for you. I might be fantasizing things here but that’s true and natural because if it’s not then Sunanda wouldn’t have done it. 
The world we live in is a scary place because of our leaders have put so much stress and fear on all of us to the point that so many people have become selfish only thinking about themselves. This has put such a strain on human love bonds and continues to strangle the beautiful life out of us all. We just have to recognize what is happening and rise above it. Value your relations, be it a friend, sibling or parents. Look around and see who has been waiting for quite a while now, to get your attention. Let us change our priorities from this very moment, face our fears and be good to ourselves.  In the end, ‘Dear men, act like a MAN.’  Kyunkay  munh tou dawgies bhi martey hain!!